A Funny Thing Happened on the way to the Geofront
by Author0fntent
Summary: Readers, I bid you welcome. The theater is a temple, and we are here to worship the gods of comedy, and tragedy...Tonight, I am pleased to announce...a COMEDY! I shall employ every device I know, in my desire to divert you...


*Disclaimer: I own nothing of Gainax, Khara, United Artists, or the estates of Stephen Sondheim, Burt Shevelove, and Larry Gelbart.*

An orchestra begins tuning up, as the conductor makes their way to the podium from which they'll direct the proceedings. After giving a few taps of their baton, the orchestra begins to play as the curtain rises...

Unseen singer:

_**Something familiar,**_

_**Something peculiar,**_

_**Something for everyone:**_

_**A comedy to-night!**_

_**Something appealing,**_

_**Something appalling,**_

_**Something for everyone:**_

_**A comedy to-night!**_

_**Nothing with kai-ju, not one yo-jim-bo;**_

_**Nothing with mechas, their arms a-kim-bo!**_

_**Old situations,**_

_**New complications,**_

_**Nothing portentous or poliiiite;**_

_**Tragedy tomorrow,**_

_**Comedy to-night!**_

Adam and Lilith float down onstage, each holding a classic theater mask to their faces.

Adam [holding the mask of tragedy]:

_**Something convulsive,**_

_**Something repulsive,**_

_**Something for everyone:**_

_**A comedy to-night!**_

Lilith [holding the mask of comedy]:

_**Something aesthetic,**_

_**Something frenetic,**_

_**Something for everyone:**_

_**A comedy to-night!**_

Both:

_**Nothing with An-gels, no AT-Fields;**_

_**Not one prog knife for someone to wield!**_

_**Nothing that's formal,**_

_**Nothing that's normal,**_

_**No oddly Kabbalistic riiiiiiiites!**_

_**Open up the curtain:**_

_**comedy tonight!**_

Adam and Lilith exit, respectively, stage left and right as the scene opens on Tokyo-3.

Unseen singer: **"Our story takes place on this street in Tokyo-3, around and about these three locales..."**

The scene stops at the school.

**"FIRST, the Tokyo-3 Municipal Middle School, where three of the heroes of this story attend...and are summarily bored to tears every day, by the same lecture given by an elderly teacher. But oh, the rumor mill is alive and well within these scholastic environs!"**

Certain students pop out of the windows.

Hikari: _**Something erratic,**_

Toji: _**Something dramatic,**_

Mayumi: _**Something for everyone,**_

Kensuke: _**A comedy, to-night!**_

Mari: _**Frenzy and frolic,**_

Marie: _**Strictly symbolic,**_

Mana: _**Something for everyone,**_

_**A comedy to-night!**_

The scene then transitions to the black glass and steel pyramid that is NERV HQ. The narration continues as we enter the building, looking in on the various facilities within.

**"SECOND, the headquarters of NERV, our heroes' 'workplace', located underground in the Geofront, presided over by Gendo Ikari, the cold and calculating head of the organization who's never gotten over the death of his wife, Yui."**

Fuyutsuki: **"That's for those of you who absolutely have no interest in teenage school hi-jinks."**

Makoto [sparks starting to fizzle from his console]: _**Something expensive,**_

Shigeru [grimacing at his coffee cup]: _**Something offensive,**_

Aoi: _**Something for everybody,**_

Maya: _**Comedy, to-night!**_

Ritsuko: _**Something that's gaudy,**_

Hitomi: _**Something that's bawdy,**_

Satsuki: _**Something for **__**everybawdy**__**!**_

Kaede: _**Comedy, to-night!**_

The scene then transitions to a familiar apartment complex.

**"FINALLY, the apartment dwelling of Misato Katsuragi, operations commander of NERV, who lives with her two charges, who happen to be two of NERV's Evangelion pilots: Gendo's son Shinji Ikari, and Asuka Langley Sohryu. Also in the house lives Pen-Pen, pet warm-water penguin to Misato. Pen-Pen is a role of tremendous nuance and variety, and played by an actor of such versatility, such gravitas, such-"** [Pen-Pen stands revealed as the erstwhile narrator of this number.] **"Oh, uh, *AHEM*...Let me put it to you this way-****_I_**** play the part."**

Shinji/Asuka/Misato:  
_**Something familiar,**_

_**Something peculiar,**_

_**something for everyone:**_

_**A comedy to-night!  
**_

Rei [passing by]: _**Something exotic,**_

Kaji [passing by from the opposite direction]: _**Something Quixotic,**_

All five:_** Something for everyone:**_

_**A comedy to-night!**_

Shinji: _**Nothing that's grim.**_

Asuka: _**Nothing that's bleak.**_

Misato [with a wink, pointing to Asuka with her thumb]: _**She plays Satella later this wee-eek.**_

Rei: _**Stunning surprises!**_

Kaji: _**Cunning disguises!**_

Kaworu [waiting in the wings]: _**Hundreds of actors out of siiiight!**_

Hikari [in classroom 2-A]: _**Uniforms and textbooks!**_

Misato [in her kitchen]: _**Instant food and bad cooks!**_

Asuka [in her room]: _**Secret fears and chases!**_

Gendo [in his office in his trademark pose]: _**Baritones and basses!**_

Ritsuko [in her lab]: _**Panderers!**_

Kaji [at his watermelon patch]: _**Philanderers!**_

Maya [at her station with a romance novel]: _**Cupidity!**_

Shinji [in the locker room]: _**Timidity!**_

Toji [at the school's basketball court]: _**Mistakes!**_

Rei [in the cloning lab]: _**Fakes!**_

All: _**Rhymes!**_

_**Crimes!**_

_**Tumblers!**_

_**Grumblers!**_

_**Bumblers!**_

_**Fumblers...!**_

All:

_**No Third Impact, no dearth of tact,**_

_**A happy ending, matter-of-fact!**_

_**Goodness and badness,**_

_**Sans Anno's madness-**_

_**This time it all turns out all riiiiiiight!**_

Pen-Pen: _**Tragedy tomorrow...**_

All: _**Comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedyyyyy...to-niiiiiiight!**_

**END scene.**

****Author's Note(s)****  
**Doing that "Send in the Clowns" one-shot sparked an idea in me, which led to me listening to the opening number from another Sondheim musical, which this piece riffs on highly: **_**A Funny Thing Happened on the way to the Forum**_**. Brownie points to anyone who can spot the in-joke about Asuka's original English VA. For imaginative purposes, playing/singing the part of Pen-Pen will be Seth MacFarlane (or Richard Epcar, who I bet does one hell of a Zero Mostel), with Kevin Michael Richardson as Adam and Grey Griffin as Lilith. If I had another way to describe this piece of theatrical satire I've unleashed upon you, I could unofficially call it an intro piece to another great work of EVA fan fiction by writer Ryoma: "The Best Laid Plans". Ryoma, if you're seeing this, I hope that's okay.**


End file.
